Reel Wisdom: Lessons from 40 Films in 7 Minutes

Reality vs The Perception of Reality

Believe it or not, reality vs the perception of reality was the argument du jour on my news wall at Facebook. Actually that in itself makes a good illustration of the argument. In reality, Facebook is a social networking site. A more simplified way to describe that reality would be: Facebook is a place where individuals can post thoughts, photographs, game information - nearly anything of a digital nature that they would like; and make them available for other individuals to access. Perception of that reality then becomes more involved with what people do with the site. Given the capabilities of Facebook, (for our discussion) it makes no difference to the "reality" if an individual uses it to play Farmville 12 hours a day or to post hourly reporting on anything from the current events of "my vacation" to the current state of the world. You see, what the people use the medium for IS their perception of why it is available to them and what is its appropriate usage. Although those perceptions involve a certain amount of judgment, it is the next layer that gets judgmental. That is where, having witnessed a segment of posts or time on Facebook, the individual "judges" Facebook as, let's say, "a place where silly, boring people waste precious hours of their life playing equally silly games." Now, keep in mind, this is NOT reality. This is perception. Facebook still sits there - unbiased as to what its life purpose is. It is the perception based glasses or blinders of the human individual that makes a judgment about that reality and then reinvents it. The problem arises when the human is unaware he is filtering reality through his own perceptions.

On my Facebook news wall, the reality vs perception question invariably traveled to the question of "if a tree falls in the woods, but no one is there to hear it; does it still make a sound?" But when you think about it from a purely, "reality vs perception," point of view; while it may be a fun little game to play with, it doesn't provide us a lot of enlightenment. Unless, of course, we allow ourselves to travel far enough to make judgments about whose fault it is that the tree fell. Otherwise, it is not a question about what the difference is between reality and perceived reality; it is a question about whether or not there actually IS a reality beyond what we perceive. Which is another ballpark altogether.

Let's look at another one just to see where it gets us.

There is an elderly man in a nursing home. One day, a water glass leaves the grasp of his hand, falls to the floor and shatters into many pieces. That's the fact. That's the reality. We have a man. We have a nursing home. We have a broken glass on the floor. But, to the individual's witnessing or impacted by the event, the perception based reality can vary greatly. Perhaps the son of the man perceives the event as a sign of his decreasing strength and decline in health. Perhaps the daughter of the man perceives the event as a sign of the nursing home staff's lack of proper care for her father. Perhaps the nursing home attendant perceives the event as a patient's attempt to receive more attention than the rest of the patients.

Now here's the next problem with perceived reality. We can judge all of those individual's perceptions based on what they witnessed or didn't witness on that day or in the entire life of the elderly man and his personality; but what our "rational" mind fails to grasp is that ALL of the perceived realities are correct. Every one of them is correct whether they appear to be in conflict with each other or not. Now, "correct" is probably not the best word actually, so let's substitute "real." Every one of those perceived realities is real. Every one of those perceived realities is real and represents the reality of the individual perceiving its existence.

Understand? We are now in "one man's junk is another man's treasure" territory. You see, humans are nearly incapable of simply reporting the facts of reality. Our opinions, our need to understand and feel safe in our own existence, our fears - they all give us the guidelines of what reality looks like and what it means.

Now the argument on Facebook involved American government. A whole bunch of "isms" were being paraded around as realities. It is impossible for an "ism" to be reality OUTSIDE of perception. Let's break American government down to the "facts."

There are three branches of federal government: fact. One branch is the Judicial Branch: fact. One branch is the Legislative Branch: fact. One branch is the Executive Branch: fact. Together, these branches make, execute, and interpret the laws that govern America: fact.

But when Americans get together to talk about their government, this is almost never what they are really discussing. Instead, they are arguing about whether or not the laws enacted by the government are right or good; why the individual's working in the branches enacted the particular laws that they did; and what the government should be doing that they are not. All of that involves perceptional reality.

Now here is the important part. It is the scary part, but it is also the part where empathy can begin.

Remember all of those perceived realities are real. They are absolutely the real realities of the persons perceiving them. Let's take one that is as far out on a fringe as you can get in order to make the point. Let's say an individual witnesses all of the news of what laws and decisions the federal branches are making and he perceives that the President of the United States is actually an alien from outer space determined to initiate the destruction of the human race. Just because you or I believe that perception to be ridiculous, it is still that person's reality in which he resides every day. Or at least until the next election. We can't assume that any amount of our reassuring him that we have seen the president's belly button - he is a human - will alter his perception. In fact, he might even perceive our attempts to persuade him as evidence we may also be aliens.

So now that I've brought you to this point - this distinction between reality and perceptional reality - what is MY point? Why bother, especially if we can never cajole, argue, or persuade the individual into changing his perceptional reality. He can only do that on his own. My point is what I take from the knowledge that an individual's perceived reality IS his reality.

That man, the one who believes the president is an alien bent on the destruction of the human race? He lives in a very frightening world. Where we may see joy and laughter and all of the best possibilities for the human race; in a very real sense, he is living in a Philip K. Dick novel and is feeling only fear and doom. Imagine how that must feel for him. He must face every day with a generalized sense of dread. He is essentially facing a hell on earth. It is so important that we attempt to interact with him only in a compassionate way. It's my belief, at least, that it is only possible for an individual's perception of reality to change when he or she is in a calmer, more relaxed state away from his or her fears. So rather than yelling at people and calling them idiots for what they believe or attempting to argue them into agreeing with you; take a step into the painting that is their perceived reality. Try to understand why they would believe that. Try to understand what it must feel like.

But here is the most important part.

Let me make it plain, I am not saying we need to be on the outlook for weapons of mass destruction under the bed or in the garage of everyone who doesn't agree with us politically.

What I am saying is that just because we believe another individual's perceived reality is "crazy talk;" we should never assume that whatever actions they claim they may make are anything other than factual statements of their capabilities in their current perceived state of reality. It is action based on shared perceived reality that brings about change and revolution, but can also bring about destruction and slayings of the Charles Manson variety. Individual perceived reality can bring about great thinkers, artists, visionaries, inventors, but it can also deliver that mundane job worker who takes the whole office hostage.

Underestimating someone else's capabilities within their perceived reality can bring about an end to your own.

Terrorists in Your Own Life

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=akZZd7Hz0rE

Today, for the first time, I elected to "hide all posts" from one of my "friends" on Facebook. I am still such a Pollyanna, I couldn't just delete him altogether - I try to find the good in people, even when they seem determined to hide it. For weeks I had been hiding individual posts from the person as he spewed closed minded negativity in the name of educating the rest of us about politics. I play Farmville, I have hundreds of friends; but there were days when nearly the entire "News Wall" would be him ranting and raving.

The final straw came tonight.

I posted a video on my wall. You know, I really don't care if the video is real or faked. I really don't care if someone in the youtube comment said a curse word. The video makes me laugh EVERY time I see it. Every time. I would almost be ashamed to admit how many times I have laughed. That video gives me joy. Sure, it's a joy that's about on par with The Three Stooges, but I never promised you highbrow humor. I simply wanted to share a second of that joy with others.

Here came this tendril of negativity from this person over onto my wall.

Was it to tell me the video was stupid or in poor taste? No.

It was to tell me how he couldn't be bothered to watch my video because it didn't tell him enough about it and it could be anything. "Not even tempted," he said.

So I thought about that. Apparently, the fact I was a "friend" and had posted it, didn't give it any sort of recommendation. Apparently, the fact I had known him since kindergarten gave him cause to find things that I posted "not even tempting."

I realized .. . I had been in a good mood. Like I said, that video makes me laugh EVERY time. I'm grateful that the man in it wasn't hurt and I don't really care if it was a stunt. It's funny.

What isn't funny is when others feel the need to put their stamp of disapproval on EVERYTHING including things they don't even intend to watch.

Like I said . . I HAD been in a good mood; I wasn't anymore. I realized I had given him the power not only to spew something negative on a post I enjoyed, but on my entire state of mind and mood.

I thought about how, as a country, we frequently talk about the world in terms of "not letting the terrorists win."

EVERY day we let the terrorists in our own lives win. They put us down; they bully us; they think only their opinion counts. They never hear you because they're too busy thinking of what they want to say next. We give them rights they have no right to claim and we call them "friend."

A true and wise friend once told me that he thinks of his happiness as a precious thing and he defends it from people who would try to take it from him.

From now on, so do I.

I think everybody should.

Walt Disney World Animal Kingdom Dec 12, 2010

A Love Letter to Rep Gabrielle Giffords and President Barack Obama in a World Gone Mad

The notion that inside our 30 to 90-year-old bodies resides the 10 to 14-year-old we once were, bewildered and wondering why no one sees that we are just playing an adult in the theater of life, is not a new one. For me, even though I learned in college that political and moral issues are complicated and frequently both sides of an issue can have merit (when faced with having to write a paper taking a side on euthanasia, I cheated and wrote a pro-paper for my moral issues class and an anti-speech for my speech class;) adulthood has been a time of disillusionment. Voting has always been a bitter pill to swallow as candidates never seemed to be ideal or, indeed make much sense, speaking from hateful and biased places and driven by fear. That is true today more than ever.

On Saturday, January 8th, 2011, while watching Fox News and waiting to hear the news of the shooting in Tucson, Arizona, the channel replayed the attached interview and I would like to thank them for that. You see, before Saturday, although I had seen a picture of Rep. Giffords, I was largely unaware of her and had never heard her speak and on Saturday, before all of this backlash of who said or did what, I heard this interview and for the second time I fell a little in love with a politician.

Yes, I said for the second time.

You see that's why I voted for Barack Obama in November 2008. As I listened to him speak at some point along his campaign trail, for the first time I heard a rational voice in politics. For the first time, I heard someone with intelligence whose voice and attitude were unclouded by fear. I saw a man I could understand and relate to because he was saying what I was feeling. I'm not going to say he is completely unbiased. We are humans and we will always have some pet ideas or notions that are more important to us. It has always been my belief that healthcare is a hot topic for President Obama due to the death of his mother and education is one due to his love for his children. I see nothing wrong with that. Rather, by trying to fix a system that undoubtedly failed his mother, he is attempting to protect us all from facing that sad situation and by loving his children and wanting the best for them, he is attempting to help all of our children. That's what I see and during his time in the presidency, I have never once felt disillusioned or disappointed by President Barack Obama. When I listen to him, he still has a voice that shines with intelligence and is clear from irrational fears; but I do see a man who is largely a lone rational voice in a cacophony of rhetoric, biases, fear, petulance, and, increasingly, bullying behavior.

On that recent Saturday, when Fox News replayed Rep. Gifford's interview and I absently worried that no one was too badly injured and the death toll would be low, I was suddenly riveted to the voice on the television. I should say here, I guess, that I am an independent: I am not a Democrat nor am I a Republican. I may have voted for a Democrat in the last presidential election, but don't get me wrong, both parties are equals in disillusioning behavior and rhetoric. But, on that Saturday, for the second time I heard a politician's voice on the television and heard a person of intelligence, a voice clear of the angry byproducts of irrational fear and, frankly, one who refused to be drawn into the mudslinging and partisan fight that sensationalist newscasts enjoy for their very survival. I was immediately smitten by this gently jovial, charming intelligent woman and I knew, had the circumstances of my hearing her voice been different, had she ever been campaigning for my vote: she very likely would have gotten it.

So while my adult self remains trapped in a world of mudslinging and anger and irrational rhetoric, that 10-year-old inside is hoping for a Hail Mary play. She is hoping that Rep. Gabrielle Giffords will not only survive, but thrive and choose once again to be her country's voice of reason. She is hoping to someday see her name on a ballot where Rep. Giffords can represent not just the 8th District of Arizona, but her too. If I were writing the comic book, that's the way it would be.

Let me also say that in no way do I mean any offense in regards to the death of 9-year-old Christina Taylor Green. I did not choose the analogy of an inner child around her age to capitalize upon her portion of the tragedy. I chose that age because it is the age when a human seems to be a "little adult" and, subsequently, seems to be the age I view my "secret" child-like inner voice of reason. It is somewhere around that age where a child seems to be more awake and aware of the world around her, yet still retains much of her childlike vision of magic and possibilities. Losing Christina at that age is an enormous loss to the world as we will never experience the gifts she may have had to give us and heart wrenching because she will never experience them herself.

If there is a God, let him take the victims of the Tucson shooting and their families in his hands and care for them at this time; but whether there is a God or not, let us please, stop all the blaming; stop all the arguing; stop all the violent rhetoric and stop all of the excusing the violent rhetoric. Let us remember that for every opinion you have; there is someone else with a different one. Someone who deserves to be heard and cares for their family just as much as you care for yours. Remember too, whatever mess you personally are in or this country is in, as Andy Andrews points out so eloquently in his self-help seminars, "you got here with your best thinking." No one ever thinks "how can I screw up my life as completely as possible?" - not even a country. So no matter how much "your best thinking" is telling you "I'm right - those other people are idiots," listen to the other side. Listen to the other side with as open a mind as you can muster, because everybody's "best thinking" can always use a little help. Try to be a little optimistic that maybe, just maybe, the world won't end if you don't always get your way. Try to find the graciousness that comes from true gratitude for the abundance that you have.

Nothing Can Ever "Unhappen"

Some times many ideas and pieces of advice you've heard over the course of your life suddenly align themselves like a constellation of stars and paint a picture. It may be a picture you have known all of your life, but never fully comprehended until just that moment. That happened to me recently and when I tried to explain my newly learned concept to Art, he nodded and said, "Yes. Of course." Like I had simply said the sky is blue or fire is hot, when, to me, I had mapped out an entire network of why life can be so difficult to navigate.

In case you, like me, find this a more complicated, "I could get lost in the woods" sort of journey; I want to drop bread crumbs at each turn I think bears watching or noticing. I think my own journey began at the first bread crumb, "forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, not something you 'bestow' on somebody else." That tidbit of information first caught my attention on the Dr. Phil Show. His guest was a woman whose husband had cheated on her. Now I have another whole complicated network of opinions and beliefs about infidelity - none of which will appear here. What was important about the show was what happened when Dr. Phil tried to make the woman hear and understand the concept about forgiveness being a gift you give yourself. Rather than considering, embracing or finding relief in the idea, she was hopelessly stuck in the notion that if she forgave her husband it would mean he "got away with" cheating on her. Sitting in the comfort of my living room, far away from this woman who wasn't even among my sphere of acquaintances, let alone friends, I didn't know if I wanted to bang my head against the wall or throttle her. "He already GOT away with it." I screamed at the television. "Now you just have to decide what you're going to do with your life going forward. Stay with him or dump him." My money was on "dump him" because I couldn't see any way a person who was as stuck as she was could possibly ever find comfort or love in his companionship. I could see my way out of part of the puzzle she couldn't see. "Fish or cut bait" that's how I saw it. But even though I hadn't really realized it yet, I hadn't fully embraced this notion of forgiveness being a gift you give yourself. All I could see was the inertia present due to the corner she had painted herself into.

I think it's time to drop another bread crumb, here.

Anyone who has ever heard anything about a 12 Step Program has heard the concept: "The first step is admitting you have a problem." Many of us, knowing that we don't have a drug or alcohol problem, hear that phrase from the safety of a mind that feels it is information which doesn't pertain to me. We may joke about it occasionally with a friend who really enjoys chocolate or golf or "Survivor," jostling them with a friendly elbow telling them it is time to "admit they have a problem." We may hear about a friend of a friend or someone on television who is struggling with addiction and shake our heads feeling sadness about the destructive need to "hit bottom," but it is still a concept about others rather than something we consider about ourselves. Think about the woman on the Dr. Phil show: if you asked her if she had a problem, what would she say? She would tell you her problem was her husband cheated. She would say he was her problem. But is he? Isn't her problem really that she can't let go of the fact that he cheated on her?

Bread crumb time. . ..

I first heard this from Andy Andrews, I have since seen it enough places that I'm not sure where the idea originated from, but the concept is "your best ideas got you where you are today." The advice is to look for mentors or experts who can give you other ideas because no one was looking to screw their lives up. No one actively pursues "how can I make my life as miserable and messed up as possible." It was their best thinking that got them to this place where they are unhappy. Now, if we consider the woman on Dr. Phil again, perhaps you can see why I begin to think this is so complicated rather than easy like Art does. Her best ideas got her to this miserable place where she can't let go of the fact that her husband cheated on her because then "he'll get away with it," but she also can't figure out how to punish him or what to do about him in order for her to stop feeling the pain. On some level, she knows this and she has gone to a mentor or expert, Dr. Phil; but she can't implement any of his advice because the two of them have not reached an agreement as to what exactly the problem is.

It's probably time for a small crouton here in the form of the definition of insanity. Albert Einstein once said "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Maybe it's just me, but I think if you can apply Einstein's definition to anything you yourself are doing??? You might want to go back to "admit you have a problem" although you still might have problems identifying what the problem is. Look at it this way, if you can apply the insanity definition to yourself, YOU are the problem. Not outside forces like your parents, your spouse or the government. It is something YOU are doing or, more likely, something you are thinking.

Bread crumb.

I'm sorry; I don't know who introduced this next notion to me. It could be Eckhart Tolle; it could be Wayne Dyer. When I heard it, I felt an awestruck realization of truth. The idea is: "what everyone who has had something bad happen to them in life - they've experienced abuse or a spouse cheating on them or rape or whatever bad thing you can think of - if the person has experienced it and just can't get over it or past it - what they really want is for the event to have never happened." I knew the truth of it. I knew that was actually how I personally felt about some of the more unfortunate events of my own life. But simultaneously, I also knew that it is absolutely crazy to want that. Insane. Because that is nearly the definition of the grammatical concept of the past tense. It HAS happened. Not "will" or "is," but "did." Done, over, and out. Oddly, the notion what I actually wanted was "cuckoo for cocoa puffs" or absolutely bonkers gave me an odd sort of relief. It gave me the freedom not to want it anymore.

We're nearly there, just a few bread crumbs left.

So here you are, stuck banging your head against this wall of an event that can never "unhappen" feeling miserable. You can't have what you want, but what do you have? Thank you Eckhart Tolle, you have "The Present Moment." All you have is this moment. Whatever that bad thing was, it isn't happening in this moment. The only thing that can drag that bad thing to this moment, is you; and there are so many better things you can do with this moment. In this moment, you can choose to listen to that mentor or expert and take the steps to effect a change in your life. In this moment, you can take stock of your surroundings and realize not only is the bad thing not here, but you are safe and blessed with comforts you previously never really noticed. In this moment, you can choose not to be a scared, sad victim. In this moment, you can choose life.

That might be enough. Maybe we don't need any more bread crumbs. But I have one and it's a good one. Perhaps it is the bread crumb that can lead you back to the present moment when the boogie men and gremlins from that past bad thing try to drag you back into its grip. Because it happened. It isn't going away and whatever mistrust you nursed into life or whatever survival skills you nutured as coping mechanisms; chances are they are here to stay as well. At least just a little bit. There is a sad but excellent chance you will not stay in the present moment, but will have to gently nudge yourself back here. So consider my bread crumb.

In Alan Ball's "American Beauty" there is a beautiful scene about an abused boy who finds beauty, spirituality and transcendence in a video he has made of a plastic bag being blown about by the wind. About the video, the boy says, "Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... I need to remember." I loved the scene from "American Beauty" and coveted a plastic bag moment of my own. Since one of the hats I frequently wear is that of a photographer, I have been nearly obsessed with capturing my own plastic bag moment on film. Only a week or two back, I realized I have been so numb and absent from the present moment that I already have had - I won't say "my plastic bag moment" because I don't think you need to be limited to just one - but I have had a plastic bag moment and captured it on film.

Several years back I went on a weekend vacation to Lancaster, California, to witness the Poppy Festival and California Poppies in the desert. On the way to Lancaster, I drove up the Grapevine and through Gorman, California. Some years, and I was lucky to have gone there during one of those years, for a brief few days the hills of Gorman are painted in color as if dropped right out of a painter's pigment jars. No artist could paint a scene as magical and fantastic as the one you see - live and in person - in front of you. I knew I was seeing one of the best things I had ever seen.

But wait a minute . . . . where's the bread crumb?

It's just this. Bad things happen. Bad things may happen to you. Nothing happens out of this "present moment." It happens, it is done and we may be many moments away from what happened. You can choose whether to ever think of it again. But you know what? Good things happen in this moment too. "Plastic bag moments." In one of my moments, I witnessed the beauty of Gorman, California and I can choose THAT to think of again. " . . . . it helps me remember. I need to remember."

Breathe

On July 1st, I started the P90X exercise program. I didn't start it because I'm an athlete; I'm not. I didn't start it because I wanted to be an athlete; I don't. I started it because I want to be strong. I wanted to regain strength I felt I had lost over the years. I wanted to build and rebuild muscle. I wanted to look and feel capable. Less than 30 days into the program, I found myself waiting at the emergency room for a family member who had had a stroke, desperately searching for strength and capability.

There is a moment during Stretch X, where you are performing some sort of complicated maneuver that is stretching your gluts and Tony Horton talks about discomfort. It is a longish, rambling quote spoken by a man who is feeling the discomfort that he describes: I don't think I can quote it directly, but I can paraphrase it. Horton says that he feels discomfort and asks "so what do I do? I don't think about it. I breathe." He explains that every time you breath out a muscle releases slightly which, of course, would remove some of the discomfort, but that you can't breathe out unless you breathe in . . ... "So breathe."

So that's what I did. That advice got me through the day and I realized even if Tony Horton had created a mini catalyst in my brain, it had been advice I had already been using before I had ever heard it. I had done that in the dentist's office when a cleaning seemed too long or too uncomfortable. I had used it when heavy traffic suddenly felt like a parking lot and I wanted to throw open my car door, scream and run off into the distance.

Anytime I had felt pressured and too fragile not to break, I had used it.

There will be times where you feel such physical or emotional pain that it is as if half of you has been crushed and you don't know if you want to die or crawl away from the part of yourself that is gone. Breathe.

There will be times when the fear and discomfort is so real and strong you will think you would willingly chew your own arm off just to get away from the trap that you've found yourself in. Breathe.

I can't promise it will make you a better person. I can't promise it won't happen again or again or again. I can't promise it will be easy the next time. But I can remind you of the Nietzsche quote we have all surely heard by now . ..

"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."

The key to being stronger is surviving what is in front of you.

Just breathe.