Saturday, November 19, 2011


Lately I've been talking a lot about curse words and insults.  Not actually using them, just talking about them.  Really, who out there who appreciates lovemaking and the sexual act, hasn't wondered why we insist on using the word "fu@k" in such an abusive way?  Why isn't "Fu@k You" the equivalent of "Have a Nice Day?"  The thought really come to a head when a friend told me his name translated as "douche bag" in The Urban Dictionary.  While one part of my mind was wondering why men insist on creating disagreeable insults based on a woman's vagina when such a large percentage of them would like nothing better than to be in a woman's vagina, the other part was thinking:  "douche:  something inserted into a woman's vagina that makes her feel good afterwards."  Hmmmm, really should that be that insulting?  Granted, it also brings to mind the notion that perhaps the lady in question's vagina needed a douching, which may be at the heart of the insult.

Really even the curse words that are about something unpleasant, like say "$hit" don't bring to mind the sheer intensity of discomfort as say "shart" would.  ("Shart" the equivalent of vurp, which is a burp with a bit of vomit.  A shart is a fart with a bit of $hit.)  $hit can be in many forms, dry, damp, smelly, in the toilet bowl, from a different species even.  But calling a person a shart instead of a piece of $hit, well you summon up the inconvenience, the embarrassment.  Now you have called someone something with grit.  Something that means something.

When thinking this way, embellishment is important.  Calling someone a booger or even a green booger, lacks the intensity of you "sinus infection nuclear green booger."  But then you run the risk of using too many words.  Insults or curse words that have a person walking away before you finish uttering them are absolutely useless, as would be having to repeat them because the recipient didn't hear the whole sentence.  The use of the words "wipe" or "smear" should be considered because, after all, wipe or smear in the context of bodily fluid or discharge is never a good thing.  Discharge itself is not a good thing and is a handy noun for your vocabulary.

So the next time you feel the need to really tell someone how you feel, may I propose some of the following:  (In most cases, the word "you" proceeding the phrase is assumed.)

premature ejaculation stain
pus leakage
oozing sore
infected knob end (infected anything is good, oozing infected is better)
broken stringed tampon
tea toned jock strap

Well, I'm sure you get the idea.   Go out and creatively use some of your own.   And try to stop using the word "c*nt."  It disturbs women and .....  really do I have to remind you again?

The vagina is your friend.  Most of you out there either have one, want to have one, or want to be in one.

'nuff said.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

As If Underwater: No. 2

As If Underwater: No. 2: I sit in my parents’ living room. It’s hot and it’s stuffy. Anyone else in the room is asleep. My only company left is “Sherlock Holmes a...

Monday, November 14, 2011

As If Underwater: Moments With My Father

I have begun working on a tentative new body of work based on my experiences caring for my father, who had a stroke a little more than a year ago. The entries, persistent little voices in my head who seem to want to be written, whisper quietly, haltingly. At first I wasn't sure what to do with them. Am I writing a memoir? Am I writing a "how to" guide? Am I simply stumbling through experience, grasping at moments like pebbles along my way? Either way, my experiences 10 years or so back sharing my feelings about getting a divorce, have taught me that sometimes simply sharing your own voice, even if it is simply saying "this is hard," can be a great comfort for others going through the same thing. I can hope for no better for this blog than to accomplish that same result.

As If Underwater: No. 1: There are human experiences that can't be written. You are sitting next to a huge koi pond with a fountain. That noise, not quite "babblin...